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Tracy Tormaschy - Brighter Days Counseling Inc.

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Self Acceptance Script

Feeling Vocabulary

I messages

I messages

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL ABOUT "I" MESSAGES?

"I" messages do two things. Not only do they help us communicate with others, they also keep us from feeling like a victim. We have all heard of "I" messages and if you haven't, this is what an "I" message is: I feel (feeling) when (this happens) because (why).

"I" messages break down barriers allowing us to listen to each other. "You" messages put up walls because we are busy defending ourselves from attack. Isn't it easier to hear someone say, "I feel worried when you don't tell me where you are and when you are going to come home because I am afraid of what might happen. I'm afraid that you might be splat in the middle of some street somewhere." then to hear someone say, "Why didn't you call? You make me so mad when you don't call. How many times do I have to tell you to call me? You could be dead in some alley somewhere and I wouldn't know about it." Both are saying essentially the same thing but the first is easier to listen to.

Here are some general considerations when using "I" messages:

Before you make an "I" statement answer the questions:
   What am I feeling?
   When am I feeling it?
   Why am I feeling it?
Use feelings words such as uncomfortable, hurt, angry, or worried. Use of the word "like" is also acceptable such as, "I feel like a doormat when I mop the floor and then you come in with dirty shoes and make tracks because then I have to clean up again."
Be specific when describing when something happened. Not when this place is a mess but rather when the towels are not picked up in the bathroom.
Be specific in describing why. Not because I hate picking up after you rather because I am afraid I might slip on one of the towels and get hurt.
Being specific helps the listener to understand what exactly it is that you are upset about and why exactly that is. If you are not specific enough, it is easier for the other person to deny that it happened or to question what you are talking about.
Avoid "you" statements such as "I feel that you...", or "You make me feel...".

Learning to use "I" messages can be like learning a foreign language. In foreign languages the grammar is different. Nouns are after verbs and adjectives are after nouns so not only do you need to learn different words but also different sentence structures. As a result you are going to be stumbling over sentences for awhile. It is generally easier to write down some sentences or practice sentences in your head much like you would when learning a foreign language. Practice helps.

Men generally find it easy to say why they are feeling the way they are but don't know what they are feeling. Women generally can go on and on about how they are feeling but have no idea why they feel they way that they do. They just do thank you very much! In my experience couples either both are not specific about when things happen or both are very detailed about when things happen.

What do "I" messages have to do with being a victim? "I" messages are about taking ownership for what you are feeling and thinking rather than blaming others for what you are feeling and thinking. No one makes you feel the way that you do and no one makes you think the way that you do. This is a tough concept for many people to understand. You choose how you feel based on what you think. For example, "You make me mad when you leave the towels on the floor. How many times have I told you to pick them up?" If I said that, my thinking would likely be: they are so thoughtless; I'm tired of yelling; nobody listens to me. I would be feeling mad because of those thoughts. If I thought to myself instead. I will teach my children how pick up the towels on the floor by giving them a consequence and then following through with that or by reorganizing the bathroom routine so that it would be easier for them to keep the towels picked up. I might still feel mad yes but mostly I would feel empowered and purposeful because I would feel like I was doing something about it. My "I" message might come out like this, "I am so afraid of slipping and falling when the towels are on the floor. I am really angry that they were left there. Would you kids like me to take away your favorite toy when you leave the towels on the floor or would you like to put them on these hooks that I have hung just for them. See, they each are a different color so you know which one is yours." I would be in control of what happened rather than allowing my children to be in control.

Another example is if my husband gave me flowers and I thought "Oh, how nice of him to give me flowers." I would likely thank him for giving them to me. But if I thought instead, "What a waste of money. He could have bought me something for my kitchen instead." Then I would feel angry and would tell him not to do it again. Not only do "I" messages break down defenses but they also put us in control of our thoughts and feelings. When we are in control of those, we are no longer a victim.

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Tracy Tormaschy - Brighter Days Counseling Inc.
About Me Options Comments Self Acceptance Script Feeling Vocabulary I messages		I messages WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL ABOUT "I" MESSAGES? "I" messages do two things. Not only do they help us communicate with others, they also keep us from feeling like a victim. We have all heard of "I" messages and if you haven't, this is what an "I" message is: I feel (feeling) when (this happens) because (why). "I" messages break down barriers allowing us to listen to each other. "You" messages put up walls because we are busy defending ourselves from attack. Isn't it easier to hear someone say, "I feel worried when you don't tell me where you are and when you are going to come home because I am afraid of what might happen. I'm afraid that you might be splat in the middle of some street somewhere." then to hear someone say, "Why didn't you call? You make me so mad when you don't call. How many times do I have to tell you to call me? You could be dead in some alley somewhere and I wouldn't know about it." Both are saying essentially the same thing but the first is easier to listen to. Here are some general considerations when using "I" messages: Before you make an "I" statement answer the questions: What am I feeling? When am I feeling it? Why am I feeling it? Use feelings words such as uncomfortable, hurt, angry, or worried. Use of the word "like" is also acceptable such as, "I feel like a doormat when I mop the floor and then you come in with dirty shoes and make tracks because then I have to clean up again." Be specific when describing when something happened. Not when this place is a mess but rather when the towels are not picked up in the bathroom. Be specific in describing why. Not because I hate picking up after you rather because I am afraid I might slip on one of the towels and get hurt. Being specific helps the listener to understand what exactly it is that you are upset about and why exactly that is. If you are not specific enough, it is easier for the other person to deny that it happened or to question what you are talking about. Avoid "you" statements such as "I feel that you...", or "You make me feel...". Learning to use "I" messages can be like learning a foreign language. In foreign languages the grammar is different. Nouns are after verbs and adjectives are after nouns so not only do you need to learn different words but also different sentence structures. As a result you are going to be stumbling over sentences for awhile. It is generally easier to write down some sentences or practice sentences in your head much like you would when learning a foreign language. Practice helps. Men generally find it easy to say why they are feeling the way they are but don't know what they are feeling. Women generally can go on and on about how they are feeling but have no idea why they feel they way that they do. They just do thank you very much! In my experience couples either both are not specific about when things happen or both are very detailed about when things happen. What do "I" messages have to do with being a victim? "I" messages are about taking ownership for what you are feeling and thinking rather than blaming others for what you are feeling and thinking. No one makes you feel the way that you do and no one makes you think the way that you do. This is a tough concept for many people to understand. You choose how you feel based on what you think. For example, "You make me mad when you leave the towels on the floor. How many times have I told you to pick them up?" If I said that, my thinking would likely be: they are so thoughtless; I'm tired of yelling; nobody listens to me. I would be feeling mad because of those thoughts. If I thought to myself instead. I will teach my children how pick up the towels on the floor by giving them a consequence and then following through with that or by reorganizing the bathroom routine so that it would be easier for them to keep the towels picked up. I might still feel mad yes but mostly I would feel empowered and purposeful because I would feel like I was doing something about it. My "I" message might come out like this, "I am so afraid of slipping and falling when the towels are on the floor. I am really angry that they were left there. Would you kids like me to take away your favorite toy when you leave the towels on the floor or would you like to put them on these hooks that I have hung just for them. See, they each are a different color so you know which one is yours." I would be in control of what happened rather than allowing my children to be in control. Another example is if my husband gave me flowers and I thought "Oh, how nice of him to give me flowers." I would likely thank him for giving them to me. But if I thought instead, "What a waste of money. He could have bought me something for my kitchen instead." Then I would feel angry and would tell him not to do it again. Not only do "I" messages break down defenses but they also put us in control of our thoughts and feelings. When we are in control of those, we are no longer a victim.
well connected